It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.

The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.

1 – Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)

Your child’s self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child’s attempts to communicate with us. If we don’t give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child’s mind is better than being ignored.

It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, “Mommy, you never spend time with me” (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, “Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together.”

2 – Use Action, Not Words

Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become “parent deaf!” Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, “What action could I take?” For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.

3 – Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful

If you don’t, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.

4 – Use Natural Consequences

Ask yourself what would happen if I didn’t interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don’t need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don’t bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.

5 – Use Logical Consequences

Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.

6 – Withdraw from Conflict

If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to “Try again.” Do not leave in anger or defeat.

7 – Seperate the Deed from the Doer

Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn’t that you don’t like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child’s self-esteem?

8 – Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time

Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn’t dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?

9 – Parent with the End in Mind

Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.

10 – Be Consistent, Follow Through

If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.

This document is produced by the International Network for Children and Families and the 350 instructors of the “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” course.

By Tom Prinz, M.S.

Most parents want to know how to talk to their youngsters so they will listen to them, but the most important thing for a parent to learn is how to really listen to their youngster. If you do not listen to your youngster, then they will not listen to you. Did your parents listen to you when you spoke as a child, or did you grow up under the saying that “Children should be seen and not heard?” Listening to our youngsters is a skill you can develop. It is a skill you may not have observed in your parents when you were a child.

A favorite question of mine is: “A joy not shared is cut in half and a sorrow not shared is doubled.” If you win a tournament or an honor or a promotion at work but have no one to share it with, then it is a kind of hollow victory. If you are suffering in pain or disappointment or frustrated about a relationship and have no one to share it with, then the pain increases. How sad I felt in a counseling session when a 17 year old boy told his parents that he had decided not to share his joys or sorrows with his parents. When he is away at college, who will he share the “A” he receives on a midterm with; when he later fails to get the job he wanted, who will he share the sorrow with? Fortunately, this family is working on these issues, and hopefully by the time he leaves home; he will be able to share his joys and sorrows with his parents.

What drove this youngster to not feel comfortable in sharing his thoughts, feelings and ideas with his parents? There are many ways that parents can stifle their youngsters from talking. One of the most common problems of parents is their inability to accept their youngster’s feelings. A child says he is afraid of the dark and the parent responds, “You don’t need to be afraid of the dark, our house is safe.” A youngster says, “You love my brother more than me,” and the parent responds, “No we don’t, we love you both the same.” In both situations, the parent has not accepted the youngster’s feelings. Parents need to say things like, “I know the house can seem scary at night,” or “Boy, I bet that really makes you feel sad that you feel we love your brother more than you.” Then you might ask in a non-threatening way what has led to those feelings and then follow up with some reassuring statements. Not accepting your youngster’s feelings is very harmful to their self-esteem. We need to accept feelings even if the logic that they have used to arrive at those feelings is not sound. Remember, feelings are neither right or wrong: they are just there.

Offering advice to your youngster when they share their feelings or ideas will also stifle communication if they are not looking for advice. Validate their ideas, praise their ideas, and ask them if they want suggestions before offering suggestions or solutions.

Always telling your child a better way to do something, or saying you liked the B they got on the report card but if they try harder they could get an A, will not encourage them to share with you.

A youngster in counseling who had to use a crutch because he was experiencing some arthritis in his hip, expressed anger to his father because his father was making fun of his limp. Being critical and sarcastic is another way to stifle communication. It is a trait that many parents have learned from their parents and may even accept it as a normal way of communicating.

Simply not being available will also make it difficult for you to listen to your youngster. The 17 year-old’s father in the previous example had devoted much of his life to his job and relatively little time to just being with his son. Youngsters won’t typically share things with you if you go into their room and say, “Share with me,” but they will share if you are taking them out to dinner or to their ball game or shopping.

Another quote that I frequently tell parents is “Don’t let guilt keep you from doing what’s right and it’s never too late to do what’s right.” Many parents feel guilty that they haven’t responded appropriately to their youngsters feelings and ideas, but don’t let that stop you from changing your ways. Discuss your shortcomings with your youngster and commit to them to become a better listener.

A Challenge to You

1. Looking back at your childhood, did your parents really listen to you? If not, what did they do that kept you from sharing with them?

2. Think about a time that your youngster shared his/her feelings and you did not really accept them. Go to them and try to discuss those feelings with them now.

Tom Prinz, M.S., Marriage and Family Therapist, and a Licensed Educational Psychologist, was a School Psychologist for 7 years and has been in private practice as a Family Counselor for 25 years.  He and his wife, Pam, have been married for 36 years and are the proud parents of Robyn, 33, Matthew, 30, and Chrissy, 27.  Tom has conducted seminars on parenting and marriage enrichment for the past 30 years.  Counseling with parents and couples has enabled Tom to identify hidden factors or ‘dragons’ that will interfere with an adult’s ability to apply appropriate parenting and marriage tools effectively and consistently. He is the author of two books, Dragon Slaying for Parents and Dragon Slaying for Couples.

- By Deborah Godfrey

I’ve been a gardener for as long as I can remember. My dad always had a plot wherever we lived in Camarillo. The height of my learning was when I was 10 and we moved to an acre in Santa Rosa Valley. My dad bought a rototiller and a good 1/8 acre of our land was tilled, plotted, planted, nurtured and picked by the two of us. Twenty years later, and gardening is still a family value for me, something I treasure and enjoy. AND, I still have the old Troy-Bilt rototiller from 1975!

Gardening is a great way to teach our children about life. As I began to write this article, I asked my 12 year old, Briana, what she has learned from our family gardening. She said, “Cooperation, teamwork, being responsible, that we don’t have to eat poisoned food (we are organic) and about taking care of the earth through composting and recycling.” WOW! Quite a list, I am impressed. I would also add sanity, prosperity and understanding the cycles of life and death. Here is how we all have learned these basic values through gardening together:

Cooperation & Teamwork – Children have a natural ability to work as team. Siblings in particular, do not need to be taught this; we need only allow it to occur. Provide a fun and purposeful environment and watch them work together! I do the tilling, and show the kids how much space they have. They then sit down and figure out what they want to plant and where. I have them write things down, make lists and draw pictures of how it will look. We take a trip to Green Thumb and they buy what they need. Back in the garden, I help them plant and everyone feels proud of hard work accomplished.

Responsibility – Once the garden is planted, it must be cared for, weeded, fed and watered. The more involved the children are in the set up process, the more pride of ownership they have in their work. This inspires them to be responsible in caring for the plants.

Healthy Living & Environmentally Concerned – Now, more than ever, our children are exposed to the controversy over environmental hazards such as the use of pesticides. Organic gardening allows children to see the benefits, as well as the drawbacks of gardening without chemicals. On the one hand, we know our veggies are safe and will not poison our bodies. On the other hand, we sometimes get “little friends” that we hadn’t expected in our artichokes! Maintaining a pest free garden without chemicals is a tough job. Fortunately, the kids, and especially my son, are more than willing to help me pick the creepy crawlies off the plants when necessary. The kids also planted Marigolds around parts of our garden when they learned in school they help deter some pests.

Do you fight with kids to get them to eat their greens? No problem here, the kids stuff themselves on peas and beans, fresh and raw from the garden! They love fresh carrots (forget it if I buy them!), melons, corn and strawberries.

When Michelle was 15 months old, she picked a tomato and ate it like an apple! It just seems to taste better when you have grown it yourself.

Sanity – Mostly mine! I have found the garden to be a great way to take a time out when our family is stressing. It is also a great way to redirect some of that boundless energy the children have that tends to get out of control if contained in the house.

Prosperity – Last summer, my children decided at a family meeting that they wanted to have “Chuckie Cheese Night” once a week. I told them that was a great idea and that they needed to figure out a way to create the money as I was not willing to fund it at 100%. So they came up with the idea of selling vegetables from the garden. A wooden stand was constructed by my significant other, Chris. He is always a supporter of the children’s creative ideas. The kids painted it with vegetable pictures and a large “Garden Goods for Sale” sign. They set up shop and are they prosperous! One afternoon, they made $22 in 2 hours, mostly from artichokes! From this experience, they have learned they can create the money to get what they want in life. Instead of telling them, “I can’t afford it” when they ask for something, I say, “How many vegetables could you sell to create the money for that?”

Cycles of Life and Growth – Watching a garden grow with children is a unique experience in observing the way life works. By taking the opportunity to use analogy and metaphor through the crops growing in the garden, the children and I have had conversations about birth, growth, and death. We plant, care for and harvest our vegetables and then pull up the plants and take them to the compost pile. When we lose a pet, we return it to the earth in the garden with a little ceremony, celebrating their brief time in our lives. The children see how all life is a cycle of growing, usefulness and return to mother earth.

We have less power struggles, more closeness, less fighting, more hugs, and everyone is feeling good.”
- Sheryl Jo Bedal, mother of 3

“My coping skills have improved by understanding children are children. My children show much more independence and trust amongst themselves.”
- Aminda Flores, mother of 4

“This class has reinforced the best ways to empower children in small groups or large.”
- Carol Lefkowitz, kindergarten teacher

“In my child(ren) I’ve notice an attentive nature when it comes to accepting my discipline. I have shown a lot more compassion and love during my disciplinary actions. We’ve become a warm and loving family.”
- Nancy Klassen, mother of 1 and home Day Care Provider

“I’ve been thinking situations through before acting and have a calmer approach when involving myself in situations. We have more cooperation.”
- Timothy Ellinger, father of 4

-by Jill Kaufman

1. Exit the scene. You can’t always ignore a child who is in the midst of a tantrum, especially when you’re in public. If your child starts crying or screaming when you’re away from home, bend down to his eye level and say softly, “We’re walking out of here right now. Do you want me to carry you, or do you want to walk by yourself?” Then do it.

2. Call a time-out. Time-out is not the same as punishment. It provides a break until the child can calm himself down. Make it clear that it is not a punishment. Say in a friendly manner, “You’re upset, so you need to take some time out.” Don’t expect this to have an immediate effect, especially the first few times you try it. But eventually time-out will re-establish calm. Be aware, though, that some children just can’t cope with being left alone when they’re upset. They don’t know how to calm themselves down and may need you to stay with them during the time-out.

3. Stay calm yourself. Showing your anger will only make matters worse. Instead of yelling, acknowledge your child’s feelings (i.e. “I see that you’re upset”) and then arouse your child’s curiosity by whispering something intriguing like, “Let’s go look at the bird-feeder.”

4. Empathize. Try to put yourself in your child’s place. Think of a situation in which you’ve felt helpless or overwrought. Communicate that you understand why your child is upset: “I know, I know. Your were having so much fun playing, you don’t want to stop now.” Expressing empathy lets your child know you’re on his side, even when you have to say no. Note: Forget about spectators; focus on your child’s needs!!!

Jill Kaufman is a certified Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructor in Princeton, New Jersey.

- By Kathryn Kvols

What are limits?

Limits tell your family under what condition you are willing or unwilling to do something. They tell your family where you “draw the line.” They tell them what you will or will not tolerate. Their purpose is to take care of you. Limits are not designed to control or manipulate someone else’ behavior. Here are three examples:

Example 1. A mother was playing basketball with her two teenage sons. The boys were getting competitive and soon the game was not being fun. Mother announced, “It is not fun for me when you two fight. When you are ready to make it fun again, come and get me. I’d love to play again.”

Example 2. I was holding hands roller-skating with my daughter. She said in a very demanding tone of voice, “Skate faster!” This wasn’t the first time I had noticed that she was being demanding so I said, “I am unwilling to have you talk like that to me. It makes me feel like not cooperating with you and if you continue, I will skate by myself.”

Example 3. A daughter asked her mother to take her to the video store and rent her a movie. Her daughter had already spent her allowance that week. Mom said, “I’d be willing to take you to the video store but, I am unwilling to rent you a movie.”

Limits give others important information about you to help them know what they can or cannot expect from you. They are about you. Not about criticizing someone else’s behavior or about trying to make them act in a certain way.

Why do children need limits?

Children need you to set limits so that they can recognize and respect other people’s limits.

• Limits provide a sense of security. When children don’t know your limits they feel lost in an abyss. They feel confused and sometimes literally bounce around trying to find some.
• Limits make children feel like we care about them. Children who are raised without limits often feel abandoned. Children need limits to learn how to deal with conflict. What happens when someone tells me I have over stepped their limits? *What happens when someone disrespects mine?
• Children need limits to help them define themselves. They help them clarify their own limits because they have seen your model.
• Limits helps them to learn what is socially acceptable and what is not.
• Children need to learn that if they go past a certain point, there will be consequences. Some of them may be serious.

What issues need limits?

You may want to set limits about the use of your belongings, TV watching, bedtime, your time, the use of profanity, mealtime, chores, care and feeding of pets. This is not a conclusive list. Make a list of important issues for you.

How do we know when our limits are being violated?

The best clue to determine whether or not you limits are being violated is by being in touch with your feelings. If any of the following feelings sound familiar you know your limits are being dishonored. Or that you are not be clear about them:

anger, resentment, impositioned, smothered, taken advantage of, abused, like you are pulling more than your fair share of the weight, unappreciated, like you are being divided between two people you love, taken for granted, a child taxi cab driver, wondering what about me?

Why do we have a difficult time setting limits?

Our ability to set and follow through with limit setting will be largely determined by how you were parented as a child. If you were in any of the following situations, setting limits may be difficult for you.

• Not having any limits as a child, being unsupervised
• Being told messages like, “Don’t make waves,” “Children are to be seen and not heard” “You are being selfish.”
• If you were told it wasn’t “nice” to assert yourself
• If there was abuse in home either mental, physical, emotional, sexual, drug and alcohol or work.
• If there was someone in your family that you had to give up your needs for because they were sick or disabled.
• If self-sacrifice was modeled and expected of you.
• If intimidation was used to motivate you.
• Sometimes we don’t set limits because we don’t feel we deserve them.
• Or we feel guilty about our own actions such as, working too much or getting a divorce.

What we do instead of setting limits?

We often choose one of the following behaviors rather than setting limits because we are afraid of creating conflict. We are afraid the other person will get angry or leave us, or reject us. We may even feel that what we say or do will not make a difference anyway. Instead directly setting limits we sometimes indirectly handle these situations by:

• Denial (Acting or pretending as though it didn’t happen)
• Ignore it and hope it’ll go away
• Talk yourself out of how you are feeling (I shouldn’t feel that way because … )
• Making excuses for the other person’s behavior (He only said that because he was tired.)
• Ruminating about the issue (Going over and over the event in your mind, trying to make sense of it.)
• Blame someone else
• Blame yourself (if I had only done … he wouldn’t act this way.)
• Getting even
• Hiding behind righteousness (I’m above having those feelings.)
• Pretending that you don’t care
• Withholding your love or your communication

What can we expect when we start setting limits?

When you first start setting limits, you can expect that your child’s behavior will get worse. They will test you. They will try everything in their power to get you to go back to the way you used to be. So, make sure your seat belt is fastened. You may be going for a ride!

Steps for setting limits

1. Honor your feelings. Remember feelings are neither right or wrong. They just are.
2. Get clear about what you want. What you are and are not willing to do.
3. Present the information to your family member using an “I” statement. For example, “I am unwilling to wash clothes that are not in the hamper.” There should be no blame, shame, guilt, exaggerations or complaining. Do this step as soon as possible to prevent an unnecessary build up of resentment.
4. Be ready to “stick to your guns.” Be consistent and follow through.

In many recovery programs, the acronym HALT is used to remind individuals when they are not taking care of themselves. Our internal conditions can cause us to react to life’s circumstances in a negative way. HALT is a method of checking in with yourself and determining if you are too:

H – Hungry
A – Angry
L – Lonely
T – Tired.

If any of these fit, it is recommended that you get this handled and then come back to deal with the situation…in a more positive manner. This week, catch yourself when you are reacting to things in a negative way. Ask yourself if you need to HALT and take care of something within yourself before you continue interaction with your family or other relationships.

I had just given Sarah this toy called “Yak Back.” It’s a voice activated, toy that plays back short phrases you say into it and changes the speed and quality of you voice, making interesting distortions. After a day of having every phrase I uttered recorded and played back for me, I reached my limit shopping in the grocery store. I asked her nicely to please stop. She couldn’t contain herself. Finally, I said: “I know you really want to play with this and I think it’s great that you’re having so much fun. But, I can’t take it anymore. You have a choice. I am willing to give you the keys so you can continue this game in the car with your sister or I can hold the Yak Back until I’m finished shopping.” She immediately stopped the game, looked at me, and said: “I won’t do it anymore; I want to keep shopping with you.” And that was the last time I had to say anything to her about it.

-Elizabeth Komins, Amber, PA

Want a great story to tell your kids when they are on the “rowdy” side? You can use this scene from one of the Star Trek movies that had been so popular. In one particular situation, Spock and Captain Kirk were trying to rescue some people who were in danger on the other side of an unusual force field. Spock, showing no emotion, was able to go through the field easily, but Captain Kirk made repeated attempts to pass through without success. Watching with some amusement, Spock told Kirk that the field was anxiety sensitive. It could sense how anxious a person was and, unless Captain Kirk was able to calm himself, he would be unable to pass through. With some effort and practice, Kirk settled into a peaceful place within himself and was able to pass through the field and rescue his people.

When you have told your children this story, you can make up a signal for them to self-calm. Young children love big words and older kids will respond to Mr. Spock’s idea when you say, “Anxiety field, up!” This can be a lot more fun than hearing mom and dad say repeatedly, “Quiet down!”

A mom shared the following story with me. She had young children who were often fighting. After taking RCB, Mom told her kids that she didn’t like to see them fighting and wanted them to figure out a way to stop fighting so much. They decided that when anyone in the family started fighting, they would turn on some loud music and everyone would dance like crazy! This helped the kids release their tension in a healthy way and redirected the fight into something fun which involved everyone!

-Tyler Malik, Aspen, Colorado